Fried Fly Productions
And Now For Something Completely Different
valley was as peaceful as it could get, it being a stereotypical valley in
Northumberland, right down to the RAF planes roaring past at 50feet every few
minutes and scaring hikers out of their skins.
of these hikers also fell down the mountains they had just spent hours climbing
up, much to the amusement of the sheep.
blew mindlessly about in the aftershock of the passing of the aforementioned
masses of heather and prickly bushed, cunningly placed to ambush unaware
ramblers or conceal holes and sign posts from lost travellers looked slightly
smug in the satisfaction of a job well done, at least better than the grass.
the sheep look amused.
might not be known to everyone, though sometimes it passes through the minds of
lost souls, wandering around in a vain attempt to find a sign post, that all of
nature is against hikers.
course farmers know this.
why they keep ploughing over footpaths and erecting electric fences with notices
that you can only see after you've touched it.
also why they let their sheep walk absolutely anywhere they want - short of into
their wife's flower garden.
see, sheep are actually extremely intelligent.
often stand in clusters, pretending to be rocks until a hiker takes a compass
bearing on them. At this point they move, deliberately leading the unaware human
off in completely the wrong direction.
also stand in the middle of roads till a car comes, then walk extremely slowly
along the black tarmac pitted enough holes to make the drive painful as the
driver slams his head into the roof of the car, just to annoy drivers.
of course, know this. That's why they drive land rovers - roof's too high to
hit, see. And tractors. That's a leaf out of the sheep's book.
on the other hand, just stand there and eat grass. The sheep often comment that
they have no sense of humour.
cows reply "Would you if you had to throw your food up three tines and eat
this point, the sheep look a little embarrassed. It's not a topic they want to
this particular valley though, a full-scale war had broken out between sheep and
a hiker. Of course, the hiker hadn't realised it yet, but the sheep were on the
had started when a hiker climbed over a dry stone wall, complaining at the
narrowness of the style, just to find he couldn't climb down again due to all
129 sheep in that particular field having decided that it would be nice to stand
in front of the style, being as the grass was particularly nice and juicy there.
language he had used hadn't been at all nice. And sheep don't take well to
threats of mint sauce and haggis.
was pay back time. The call had gone out, and now every creature, bush and
stream was ready to take this particular victim down. Hard.
sheep smiled. The hiker would never know what hit him.
was several days later when an amused farmer putting up an electric fence
noticed a bedraggled man stagger down the mountain.
man was not very happy. Not happy at all.
been sucked into a bog that had happened to have inexplicably moved six meters
north to cover the only path in or out.
almost been drowned in a river that he could have sworn was only a gurgling
stream until he was half way across.
experienced an aerial assault from the birds flying overhead jumped on by bushed
and to top it off, 129 sheep had wandered into the field he had been camped in
and eaten his tent.
was no way he was going to come back.
some reason - no-one noticed the fact that 129 sheep were busy rolling around on
their backs laughing their heads off.
humans that did probably thought it was due to the local water.