Narrator

In the beginning, there was nothing. Well, maybe not nothing, but there was a substantial lack of anything substantial. Anyway...

Then, with an almighty explosion, well, actually it was more of a really quiet pop, but... The universe was created.

Then God said...

God

Bumps into a table in the dark

Ouch! What was that? How on earth am I supposed to create a world without seeing it?

Fumbles around

Where is it?

Finds a phone and dials in a number

Hello? Intergalactic Power inc.? Can you get me connected up here, I'm having to work in comple... You can? ... Good, of course, ... My address? God, The Insignificant little blue green planet, 3 Sol, The Milky Way ... No not the chocolate bar ... Look, take a sharp right at Jenopia, left at Sangolas, straight through Aquarius and on a bit, you can't miss it ... My postcode? 1MA ID10T. Thank-you, goodbye.

Puts phone down and bumps into a wall

Let there be light!

Flicks the light switch and a light comes on

I shalt call this Day!

A fuse blows and the light goes out

And Night.

Narrator

Several millennia later, though if you're counting time like a Happitabiteaway Mosquito, one of the most intelligent life-forms in the universe, it's closer to 999'999 billion, billion, billion, billion, billion, billion, billion, billion years ago ... Sorry, I'm going off on a complete tangent. Back to the story...

A reporter sits by a desk in an extremely messy office. Opposite is God. He/she is dressed in a smart suit and holds a small notebook and pen

Reporter

So... Is that truly how the world began?

God sits with his feet up on the table wearing jeans and a mismatched assortment of clothes

God

Yep. I won the planet at a casino. The first few days were a bit of a bet. Which I lost.

Reporter

Oh, what kind of bet?

God

That I could create sentient life.

Reporter

Looks up stunned

Sentient life? What about us?

God

I know, the sheep were a bit upset about that.

Reporter

Sheep!?!?!

God

I'm just asking out of idle curiosity, but what happened on the second day?

Reporter

You don't remember what you did? You don't remember saying 'Let there be sky in the midst of the waters' and all that?

God

Actually, I don't remember. I believe it was already there - The sky I mean - but I had a little party the first night having created day and night and all that. On the second day I created hangovers.

Reporter

And the third day, when you created the earth and plants?

God

Oh yes, the third day. Definitely one of my best. I got sick of floating everywhere in one of those annoying yellow dinghies you get when planes crash - don't ask me where I found it mind - and decided I had to stretch my legs. Of course I had to create something to actually walk on.

Reporter

And plants?

God

Plants? Well, I wanted something pretty to look at. It seemed a good idea at the time.

Reporter

What about the fourth day, when you created the sun, the moon and the stars?

God

Oh, that. Blank sky is rather boring to look at don't you think? I'm a bit of a romantic at heart.

Reporter

How about day five? Why did you create birds and fish?

God

Do you know how hard it is to go five days without food? I had spent five days on this planet with nadda to eat and I was hungry. I also created the fishing rod that day. Did you know that?

Reporter

Looking flustered

Ah, no ... I didn't. How about day six then? When you created humans and other animals?

God

I know, I know. The animals do actually look and taste quite good and I had to create something I could eat without spending hours running around with a large net or sitting doing nothing waiting for a bite. Do you know how hard it is to catch fish and birds? But humans? Sorry. You were a bit of an afterthought. I was playing around with a bit of clay and hey presto - there you were.

Starts laughing to himself

You know, I felt sorry for you - so strange looking on only two legs and those...

Tries unsuccessfully to straighten his face and stop laughing

Sorry. Anyway, I said you were made in my image as a kind of compensation.

Reporter

Outraged

An afterthought!

Stands up, insulted

I suppose you were too busy laughing at us on the seventh day to do any work!

God

Amused

No. Have you ever heard of Saturday Night Fever? I got so drunk I didn't wake up till Monday afternoon. What was I supposed to say? It was either a day of rest or 'Thou shalt get completely plastered.'

Sighs

I should have gone for the second.

Reporter

Turns to leave

Well, I'm sorry we were created. You only have yourself to blame.

Storms out, slamming the door shut behind her, which promptly fell off its hinges.

A sheep walks up from behind God, who turns to face it.

Sheep

Baa?

God

Yes sir, it all went as planned.

Sheep

Baaaa?

God

No, I don't think so. Shall I carry on with my orders?

Sheep

Baa.

God

Sir, Yes sir!